Dissertation

Time utilised badly, time wasted, time spent changing the songs on windows media player, time spent checking hotmail, twice in 5 minutes, time spent replying to emails, time spent writing new emails, time spent putting files in folders, time making coffee, time drinking coffee, time going to the toilet just before you actually need to, time changing the song again, time checking emails, replying again and, of course, time actually writing the dissertation.

Although this may seem like I'm wasting my time, it's actually the ritual that must be followed through each and every day in order to compose oneself before the days writing must begin. I need to make sure every possible distraction is exhausted before starting, just so I know there's nothing left to do, and therefore know that I HAVE to start typing or else fail.

My dissertation should be 15,000 words and is to be handed in at the end of the year (well, January 8th to be exact, but what with Christmas and New Year - I am looking to have it done by the 23rd December at the latest). It is on how banks can gain the trust of the consumer in order to persuade us to bank online. Due to the amount of bad publicity such as people being able to see other people's account details online etc, there are many people wavering on whether they want to commit to banking over the internet, especially with the fraudsters improving all the time with tactics such as "phishing".

My motivation is minimal at best…all I'm looking for is a pass, due to the idiotic way they mark it (there's no merit, simply fail, pass at 40% and distinction at 85%). Of course I will AIM for a distinction, but I have no delusions of grandeur and therefore know realistically that I will never achieve 85% (especially going from my previous essays on the course, all of which were around 55% - 70%).

I will keep ploughing through the endless articles, journals and other such nonsense needed for my Literary Review (which makes up about 7,000 words) and see how it goes…I will write an update in a few weeks, hopefully by then I will have written at least 10,000 words. We shall see…

Jesus

Jesus has given a pretty poor show up till now, agreed he did some decent stuff back in the day, but times they are achanging and he needs to start making an appearance. I think he's looking down on us all, crapping himself, wondering how he will be able to control his nerves going on chat shows....making guest appearences in Will and Grace without coming across camp, his private life splashed over the tabloids...and (biggest of all for the UK) having to cope with sharing column inches with the Beckhams....and, lets face it, the second David gets a new hairstyle, or Posh wears some outlandish outfit, he would be discarded to the middle pages along side the other pointless news stories like North Korea and starving children in Africa.

.....and don't get me started on god....

Our prisons are full, what's the solution?

STOP BREAKING THE FUCKING LAW!

Zero size models and their gradual demise

Some of them are naturally skinny but most of them are GM people, gradually disappearing into nothingness.

But what can we do to save the unnatural ones?

We can't keep a constant check on them, all day every day… or can we…? I do have a few suggestions about the way we can help the every day life of a model:

1st
Before they rush to the toilet after a meal to play with their uvula (that's the dangly bit at the back of your throat by the way…yes, I've been doing my research - just chatting to my local throat specialist, or "otolaryngologists" as they like to be called) and produce the entire contents of their previous meal, plus the bone dissolving stomach acid that makes their breath reek and their teeth rot, a ball gag will be provided. This will not only thwart any attempts they make to reach into the depths of their stinky gob, but will also prevent any sick from leaving, thus forcing them to swallow the entire contents, teaching them a lesson in the process. Unfortunately, many of these models innocently go to the toilets to snort their infamous cocaine, with a ball gag they would barely be able to breathe with a £5 note stuffed up their nostril. This would lead to many deaths and a lot of messiness.

2nd
Fine art specialists could be employed to produce "mirrors" to go in the homes and dressing rooms of all the 0 sized models. They would skilfully and perfectly recreate the reflected image you would see from the mirror, whilst adding one tiny detail. This would be a stick person, standing there facing out from the mirror. Whenever the model looked into the "mirror" all they would see would be a minute, barely nothing reflection - reducing their desire to loose weight. This seems like a perfect plan however, I am concerned about the artists. I have met a few over the years and I know they would not be happy to just repeat a reflection of a room; they would start introducing impressionist brush strokes, abstract concepts of the room which look totally false or even draw something completely off brief - maybe for those Jonathon Ross-alikes they would do a reflection of a "womb" instead of a "room" and just scare the models instead of cure them.

3rd
Food could be designed like space food, such as a whole steak and chips meal fitting into pill form, allowing models the chance to eat and get full without realising it. They would notice this sensation and automatically link it with whatever drug they think they have taken. This will get them full and addicted to that feeling before we remove the space food from their skeletal clutches. That is when we start to introduce small amounts of real food to their diet, gradually more and more as they realise their old fix can only be matched by actually eating.

As it has been harder to come up with ideas than I had originally thought, I have come to the conclusion that these models should be left to fend for themselves, those who make it will receive praise and wealth, and those who don't will receive taunts and jeers of "I told you so".

If you can think of any other way we can save these impressionable people, please add your own comments.