Biggest regret

Luckily regrets isn't something I specialise in, I am only 24 after all.

However there is one that sticks in the memory and this involves an old singer who had polio from a very young age and died of cancer in 2000. This of course is Ian Dury, the Godfather of punk. He was playing his last gig just months before he died to which I desperately wanted to go. Unfortunately I was only 17 at the time and didn't know a fellow fan of the great man (despite asking my friends on several occasions and insisting what a genius he is). I certainly didn't fancy going alone, so alas I missed it. Then the news was announced on 27th March, 2000 that Ian Dury had died. I can't say I was that shocked as he was very ill, however, it's never nice to hear of a legend like that going, knowing no new material will be written.

Luckily before he died he recorded several songs, one of which (recorded with Madness) is an absolute cracker "Drip Fed Fred", where his growling, raspy tones are put to full effect! Ian Dury wrote witty, inventive songs, and with his Blockheads, the music matched the quality of the lyrics and is often, sadly, very underrated. He wrote several hits such as Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll and Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick and as well as some controversial songs such as Spasticus (Autisticus) even though this was simply highlighting his own disability.

Long live Mr. Love Pants!

Ian Dury

12th May 1942 - 27th March 2000

Saddam to die - live on channel five?

Years after the infamous capture and subsequent comedy public mouth check (yes, they looked everywhere for those weapons of mass destruction) Saddam Hussein has finally been found guilty of crimes against humanity. He has been given the death sentence - this will automatically go to a nine-judge appeals panel for an unlimited time to review the case. If the verdicts and sentences are upheld, the executions will be carried out within 30 days.

He's due to be hung (but unfortunately not drawn and quartered) with his half brother for the 1982 killing of 148 Shiites in the city of Dujail. Saddam was visibly shaken at the news, shouting out "God is great".

Whatever mistakes have been made by the US and UK governments in going to war, this is at least one positive. Disposing of a creature such as Saddam can only be a good thing!

However, I do ask for one request. We should all be able to enjoy watching him at the gallows on the television; it's been a long time since we've had a good ol' public execution and I know it would be more popular than some of the reality shows, game shows, or mind numbing dross that channel 5 (for example) produce. This could be their chance to get the biggest viewing figures of their history…. of television history!! We know it's not below them, they pride themselves in hitting under the belt and crossing the line - over the years I can't think of any success they've had, even the football they show is of poor quality with the monotone John Barnes and unintelligible Kenny Dalglish. But this can be their chance…

Kirsty Young can commentate on the event; her dulcet Scottish tones can contrast wonderfully with the hatred of the audience.

The aforementioned John "monotone" Barnes can do the "pitch side" interviews:

Saddam's friends and family (the ones who aren't dead already) can talk about how he used to watch 15 to 1 during the afternoon (taping the episodes he missed whilst away on business - such as in Dujail), looove having marshmallows in his hot chocolate and playing Scalextric with his nephews, but hate losing!

Then his foes (the ones who aren't dead already) can taunt him whilst he's dropped to his death - doing the classic waving-your-head-about-whilst-he's-hanging-just-to-show-what-you-can-do-that-he-can't joke (a bit like doing the can-can in front of Heather Mills).

And finally Vanessa Feltz can do the after show party by discussing his body in detail - pointing out any comedy lumps and explaining the joys of rigor mortis for your sex life!

Richard Hammond, television extraordinaire

Just weeks after the tragic death of Steve Irwin, another fine risk taker has succumbed to the rigors of television entertainment. Richard Hammond, a truly great presenter amongst television legends was involved in a high speed crash whilst trying to beat the land speed record in a jet-powered car. He suffered a "significant" brain injury when he crashed but is said to be making a steady recovery.

I have a lot of respect for Top Gear and those who make it what it is, I have absolutely no interest in cars and yet am thoroughly entertained by the Top Gear team describing and displaying the new cars out each week in different and exciting ways. To enjoy watching a programme in which you have no interest in the subject simply proves how great the show is. I hope Mr Hammond makes a full recovery, good luck old chap!! You're a star!