Saddam to die - live on channel five?

Years after the infamous capture and subsequent comedy public mouth check (yes, they looked everywhere for those weapons of mass destruction) Saddam Hussein has finally been found guilty of crimes against humanity. He has been given the death sentence - this will automatically go to a nine-judge appeals panel for an unlimited time to review the case. If the verdicts and sentences are upheld, the executions will be carried out within 30 days.

He's due to be hung (but unfortunately not drawn and quartered) with his half brother for the 1982 killing of 148 Shiites in the city of Dujail. Saddam was visibly shaken at the news, shouting out "God is great".

Whatever mistakes have been made by the US and UK governments in going to war, this is at least one positive. Disposing of a creature such as Saddam can only be a good thing!

However, I do ask for one request. We should all be able to enjoy watching him at the gallows on the television; it's been a long time since we've had a good ol' public execution and I know it would be more popular than some of the reality shows, game shows, or mind numbing dross that channel 5 (for example) produce. This could be their chance to get the biggest viewing figures of their history…. of television history!! We know it's not below them, they pride themselves in hitting under the belt and crossing the line - over the years I can't think of any success they've had, even the football they show is of poor quality with the monotone John Barnes and unintelligible Kenny Dalglish. But this can be their chance…

Kirsty Young can commentate on the event; her dulcet Scottish tones can contrast wonderfully with the hatred of the audience.

The aforementioned John "monotone" Barnes can do the "pitch side" interviews:

Saddam's friends and family (the ones who aren't dead already) can talk about how he used to watch 15 to 1 during the afternoon (taping the episodes he missed whilst away on business - such as in Dujail), looove having marshmallows in his hot chocolate and playing Scalextric with his nephews, but hate losing!

Then his foes (the ones who aren't dead already) can taunt him whilst he's dropped to his death - doing the classic waving-your-head-about-whilst-he's-hanging-just-to-show-what-you-can-do-that-he-can't joke (a bit like doing the can-can in front of Heather Mills).

And finally Vanessa Feltz can do the after show party by discussing his body in detail - pointing out any comedy lumps and explaining the joys of rigor mortis for your sex life!